What does peaceful parenting mean

• Commit to not doing harm
• There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
• Calm ourselves down first
• Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
• Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay

 
Example Situation: A child hits his brother

• First tend to child that got hurt
• Assess what has caused the child to be angry
• Need to calm child down before anything productive can happen
• Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
• Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
• Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
• More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
• Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about why hitting is never okay
• Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and better ways to handle situation
• Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
• Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done

 
Preventive Maintenance

• According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
• Parents love is a scarce resource to child
• If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
• Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
• Concentrate on fully accepting each child
• Spend one-on-one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
  • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead

• Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
  • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team trying to get away
• Add play – ex.Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone

 
Sharing

• #1 reason for fights
• May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
• Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
• Teach them how good it feels to share
• We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
• Forcing to share can make them resentful
• Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
• Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
  • Often not enough time for child to enjoy toy
  • Playing deeply is what really matters and where real creativity comes from
  • Teaches that pleading more gets them the toy faster

• One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
• Parents should explain policy ahead of time
• Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
• Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger child rule can be until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
• Sibling will feel delight giving the item
• Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
• Learn "I can distract myself to manage my own emotions"
• Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
• I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn

 
When should we jump in?

• Parents jumping in can cause more fighting
• Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
• Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
• Parents should intervene in a different way
• Teach to express selves without attacking
• Find win-win solutions
• Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
• Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way

 
Additional Resources

• Aha Parenting
• Newsletter
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

 
Show and Tell

• All starts with you
• Be emotionally generous to yourself
• Speak kindly to yourself
• When you fail, forgive yourself
• Love yourself  What does peaceful parenting mean
• Commit to not doing harm
• There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
• Calm ourselves down first
• Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
• Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
•  
  Example Situation: A child hits his brother
• First tend to child that got hurt
• Assess what has caused the child to be angry
• Calm child down before anything productive can happen
• Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
• Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
• Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
• More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
• Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about hitting is never okay
• Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and other ways to handle situation
• Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
• Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
•  
  Preventive Maintenance
• According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
• Parents love is a scarce resource to child
• If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
• Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
• Concentrate on fully accepting each child
• Spend one on one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
  • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
• Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
  • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team try to get away
• Add play – ex. Taunting – Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
•  
  Sharing
• #1 reason fight
• May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
• Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
• Teach them how good it feels to share
• We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
• Forcing to share can make them resentful
• Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
• Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
  • Often not enough time to enjoy toy
  • Playing deeply is what really matters and real creativity comes from
  • Teaches that pleading more gets them toy faster
• One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
• Parents should explain policy ahead of time
• Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
• Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger kid until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
• Sibling will feel delight giving the item
• Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
• I can distract myself to manage my own emotions
• Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
• I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
•  
  When should we jump in?
• parents jump in can cause more fighting
• Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
• Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
• Parents should intervene in a different way
• Teach to express selves without attacking
• Find win-win solutions
• Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
• Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
•  
  Additional Resources
• Aha Parenting
• Newsletter

 

     Show and Tell

• All starts with you
• Be emotionally generous to yourself
• Speak kindly to yourself
• When you fail, forgive yourself
• Love yourself  

All children can exhibit challenging behaviors at times. Most parents of toddlers and preschoolers can relate to children becoming upset at bedtime, or when someone takes the toy they really wanted to play with. There are, however, some children who have a much harder time regulating their emotions. They get frustrated easily, and have a hard time being flexible.They often do not respond as well to traditional parenting methods, and are prone to frequent tantrums and outbursts. In his Book The Explosive Child, New York Times Best Selling Author Dr. Ross Greene discusses strategies for supporting children who fit this description. Dr. Greene joins us today to talk about parenting behaviorally challenging preschoolers. ​

​They rely too heavy on power and control and incentive
Believe it is result of poor parenting
Biggest mistake is using an intervention that is not working
Methods that work for some of your children, may not work well for another child

​Make a list of all the expectation children reliably having a hard time meeting
Outbursts are predictable if we figure out what unsolved problems are causing outbursts
Expectations children are reliably having a hard time meeting are outbursts waiting to happen
What can be done to keep it from happening
Solved problems do not cause outbursts

​Defuse, de-escalate, keep everyone safe in the moment
Then figure out what caused the outburst
Was the trigger of it on the list
Figure out if it is an expectation you should work on with that child

​Parents and caregivers understand that it is lagging skills rather than motivation
Do not place demands on the child that you know will make them loose their mind
Work proactively with child to solve problem
Do not look down on children having difficulty meeting expectation

​Can the child handle the expectation
How can we get child through the situation without an outburst
Explosions and outburst do not add value to the learning curve

Make list of unsolved problems
Prioritize list and figure out what you want to address now and what to set aside for now 
What is set aside becomes Plan C - An expectation that has been removed and will not be asked of the child
Plan A - Solving the problem unilaterally by the adult
Do not use Plan A with CPS model
Plan B  use to solve problems collaboratively with child
Child is full participant in the process of what is making expectation hard to meet
Figure out why the expectation is hard to meet
Solution together that meets concerns of both parties
3 steps to Plan B
    Step 1 - Empathy step - Caregiver gather information from child about concerns and perspective
    Step 2 - Define Adult Concern - what has previously led to Plan A is addressed here
    Step 3 - Find Solution Together - Addresses concerns of both parties
People too often come up with solutions that only address one person’s concern, both must be addressed
Solutions need to be realistic
All comes down to concerns and solutions that will address those concerns
First solution does not always work out, and then go back and work together on a new solution

​Does the child have ability to express concern with words
If not, need to find another way to communicate with child such as pictures, hand signals
Lots of ways to get information from a child even if they do not have the words for it
Can still participate in Plan B even with limited vocabulary 

​Lots of resources for caregivers of behaviorally challenging kids 
Advocate for children
Addressing systemic issues of children falling through the cracks

​The single most important thing any caregiver to do for struggling child - LISTEN. When we listen we often hear things we haven’t heard before. Children will help solve problems if we are willing to listen. They will also start listening to your concerns as well.

Gifted Educator Lissy Wood shares her experience working with academically gifted children.

​* Child demonstrates exceptional desire in academics and ability to learn and exceed typically developing children.
* They learn at a faster pace.
* Their abilities need to be coached/nurtured.
*  Often gifted children can be observed in preschool as compared to other children. 
* Sometimes they can have social issues due to they have trouble relating to the typical developing child (especially in younger years).

​* Some gifted children can be underachieving. 
* They can exhibit behavior issues due to frustration, sensory issues and social issues.          
* There can be social issues because it’s hard for them to relate to a typically developing child. 
* They need more and teachers aren’t often trained in teaching gifted students.
* It’s important to remember that they don’t need more work… they need meaningful, challenging work to fit their needs (learning experiences, projects, critical thinking questions and logic problems are great activities to support a gifted child.

​* Testing is available to see if you have a gifted child. 
* Testing is valuable documentation and can also identify underlying symptoms such as anxiety.
* With documentation you can get some accommodations in school and find out the areas in which your child is gifted so you can ask for support from the teachers and services from the administration. 
* Ask teachers for meaningful homework. Gifted students often don’t need the typical review sheet or worksheet style homework
* Play off your child and encourage their interests. Don’t push worksheets, provide other experiences instead. 
* Do not over schedule activities to keep them busy. They still need to be a kid.

​* Look for schools with flexibility in curriculum.
* Ask about differentiation.
* Project Based Schools or Montessori Schools are often good fits for academically gifted children.
* Schools with lower class sizes or more than one teacher in the room are great choices.

* PAGE of Wake County Facebook Page
* National Association for Gifted Children
* Triangle Parents of Gifted Children Facebook Page

​* stimulates imagination and creativity

* develops language and vocabulary

* builds interest in different topics and concepts

* helps children to learn more about their world

​* visit the library and/or bookstore weekly

* make reading part of everyday

* let children choose books based on their interests (include rhyming books, song books and concept books).

* read with expression and let children talk about books

​* Toddlers: choose board books and hard cover books with large, bright illustrations and few words per page. Rhyming books and simple writing are great for this age. 

* Preschool: choose books with more detailed illustrations, sentences and more complex story lines. 

* This is the age where it’s super important to choose high interest topics.

* increases excitement to read

* fosters love of learning and reading

* increases attention span for listening

​* Read title and examine front cover. Ask child what they think the book will be about. 

* Always read with expression

* act out parts, have children chime during a re-reading, choose some interactive books with flaps, movement, rhymes etc…

* Relate story to their life if you can… Do you remember when….?

* Talk about characters, feelings, problem and solutions from the story.

* How do you think (character) feels? How would you feel if that happened to you?

* When finished reading, ask your child what their favorite part was or ask them to tell you the story or tell someone else about the story (retell). 

* Read the story again and again if your child asks. 

* 20-30 minutes per day 

* choose good times to read as part of routines (after breakfast, before nap time, at bedtime etc….) 

* reading books is a great one on one activity to bond with your child, snuggle and teach them something. 

* let them see you reading too

* always have books available for them to look at 

UNC Greensboro Professor, Dr. Gabriela Stein joined Mike to discuss strategies to help increase the likelihood that our preschoolers and toddlers will listen to what we ask of them. 

One of the most challenging aspects of starting a new school or a new classroom, can be the drop-off. While some children will adjust right away, there are many children who have a much harder time. While personality and temperament play a role in this, there are things we can do as parents to support our preschoolers. Preschool teacher Kate Curran offers tips on how to make this possible as smooth as possible.

Guest Information - Kate has taught preschool for over a decade, and is currently a lead teacher at Discovery Child Development Center in Morrisville, North Carolina.

​ Preparing for the First Day of School

• Discuss exciting things they can look forward to it at preschool
• Even if you are nervous, communicate to them that you are excited for them
• Have your child visit the school before hand, so they can visualize the classroom
• You can role play the school day
• If the school allows children to bring a bag or backpack, have the child pick out a special one

First Day Tips

• Be consistent, if you tell them that you will walk into the classroom and then leave, try your best to stick to that.
• Keep your body language positive. If they see that the parent looks nervous, the child is more likely to be nervous
• Have a quick drop-off routine ex. can give hug and kiss, or use a same phrase each day
• Let the child know you are leaving, it is better to have that goodbye routine rather than trying to sneak out when they are not looking
• While it can be very difficult to leave while your child is upset, lingering in the classroom can make it harder for not only your child, but can also be upsetting to other children in the class
• Try not to peek through the window or door. If you are spotted, it can make it even more challenging for your child to settle into the classroom
• Share any information with the teacher that you think might help if your child has a hard time ex. favorite song, book, or activity 

End of the DaySome children will share more with parents than other children, but it is helpful to see if you can find out somethings your child enjoyed from the school day. It will make the upcoming days easier

• When you drop-off in the classroom, take a look at the materials that are out. You can later ask them about the art supplies, the message the teacher wrote to the class, or anything else that you notice.
• If you did not drop the child off, you can ask them about something that you know they did
• Ex. Did you enjoy your snack? Did anyone else have cheese and crackers?
• Did the teacher read any books
• What was your favorite thing you did on the playground?​

How Long Will it Take?This will really vary by child. Some children will run right in the first day, but most children will take a little longer. 

• Usually by the end of the first month, most children are in a good routine
• If you are struggling to get your child to school each day, check in with the teacher to see if they are having a hard time during the day too
• Some children will continue to have a hard time before school, but as soon as the parent goes will be happy and engaged
• It can take longer if a child is only coming a few times a week
• It can also take longer if the child has never been away from mom or dad before

Additional Strategies

• See if you can send in pictures or albums of loved ones
• Read books about starting school such as The Kissing Hand, Llama Llama Misses Mama
• Communicate with Teachers
• Connect with Peers - try to set up playdates with other families in the class
• Check with the school to see if the child's schedule can be modified at all while transitioning

Show and Tell - Explore the Outdoors with Your Children

Going outside as a family is a great way to engage your children and explore nature. Explore your local trails, or the nature centers in your area. Below are a few of my family's favorites trails/parks to visit in the Raleigh/Durham/Cary region of North Carolina:

Cary  and Morrisville Trails
 Bond Park - This is a great place for families and is located in central Cary. There is a playground, picnic shelters, boat rentals, and a number of trails. The Paw Paw Trail is a great one for young children as it is the shortest loop. It also has a good amount of shade. My elementary-aged also enjoy the Pine Cone Trail, and the Lake Trail. 
North Cary Park - This park has a great combination of having a fun playground and also nice walking trails. There are paved trails so it is stroller friendly.
​Hemlock Bluffs - There are beautiful trails and an education center. It is a great spot for watching birds and there is a small area for young children. The Town of Cary also runs child and family nature programs there.
Lake Crabtree - This park is very close to Discovery and has two small playgrounds, and a number of trails. We love to have picnics there. Wake County also offers many programs for children and families there including a tots story hour.
Durham Trails 
-Eno River State Park - There is so much for families to explore in this 4,200 acre park. The Stir Crazy Moms' Guide to Durham gives a good over of the best spots for children.
​Durham, Wake, and Chatham County - American Tobacco Trail - This trail is over 22 miles and has sections that are completely paved. The sections we have explored are flat as well.
Raleigh Trails
Umstead Park (entrances in both Raleigh and Cary) - This park is filled with great trails with varying skill levels required. The Oak Rock Trail is a shorter one that many families enjoy.
Lake Johnson - There is a lot of shade on the trail and there is a large paved section that is great for both children and dogs.Connect with Preschool and Beyond

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Right now I have a two year old who is in the I want to do everything myself phase. He wants to choose what her wears, he’ll try to go into the pantry to get his own meals and refuses to let me put him into his car seat. I have two older boys that are often very reluctant to try things that I know they can do on their own. On today’s show, we will talk about how ways to encourage independence in your child. How much should they be doing for themselves and when are you giving them too much independence.

Guest Information - Courtenay Garver has been a preschool teacher at Discovery Child Development Center in Morrisville/Cary North Carolina since 2011. She had prior experience as a preschool teacher, administrator, and an elementary teacher. She is also the mother of two middle school girls.Importance of Fostering Independence During the Preschool Years

• Helps children develop confidence,
• Proud of their abilities
• Helps them become more successful adults who can solve problems
• Great practice making decisions
• Small decisions now, will be bigger decisions later in life

Examples of Independence in a Preschool Classroom

• Students find name tags and choose job for the day ex. Table washer
• Give children a chance to find answers to their questions rather than just doing everything for them
• A healthy struggle is often beneficial for children
• We want them to try new things

Involving Preschoolers in Mourning Routines

• Wake up earlier to allow children more time to complete tasks such as putting on own shoes
• Can have child pick out outfit the night before school
• Parent can use small steps to help children gain independence ex. Put the sock on halfway for the child
• Set up a system so that children can pick out his or her own snack. Ex. have bins with healthy treats they can choose from, or precut fruits that they can select

Arriving at School

• Child can put on own backpack and walk into school
• Let child hang up backpack and snack pack
• Praise them for trying to do things on their own
• Offer appropriate support, and when you help explain to your child what you are doing ex. I am lifting the bag over the hook

Offering Choices to Preschoolers

• We want children to become good decision makers, so we need to allow them opportunities to practice making choices
• Examples of daily choices
  • Which 3 books would you like to read before bed?
  • Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt to bed?
  • Would you like to eat green beans or peas tonight?
  • Would you like the night light own or off

• You want the choices to be reasonable, and ones you can accept
• Avoid giving false choices. If you only want a certain answer, it is best not to offer a choice in that instance

Teaching New Skills

• Model the skill first for the child
• If they become frustrated, acknowledge it and see if they can communicate what is frustrating them
• Give them the vocabulary to explain what they are experiencing
• Avoid getting frustrated yourself and just doing the task for them
• Language such as “some people find it helpful” can make some children more receptive to suggestions rather than just telling them to do something a certain way
• If they do not seem developmentally ready for a task, you can have them do a part of the task ex. Child puts his or her child into their jacket and I will help you lift your arms and flip it

Consequences of Decisions

• It is important for children to learn there are consequences to decisions
• Next time they can make a different choice
• Small decisions are great learning opportunities ex. Child chooses a flavor of ice cream, but after a few bites wants a different flavor. While it may be easier to avoid a tantrum to get another flavor, it is healthy for children to learn about the consequences of decisions so that they can make good decisions in the future

Show and Tell

• Choose 1 thing your child could do to help the family. For example, the child could put napkins on the table at dinner each day
• Create charts for new task with pictures for children – ex. Chart with pictures cues with the steps of brushing teeth

Episode Links and Additional Resources

• Self-Care and Chore Cards
• Article - Teaching Your Child to Become Independent With Daily Routines - Article from The Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning at Vanderbilt University
• Article from Scholastic - Ages and Stages: Nurturing Young Children's Independence - by Dr. Susan Miller, Ella Booth Church, and Carla Poole 

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