Episode 26 - Sibling RELATIONSHIPS

Dr. Laura Markham, author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings" discusses ways parents can help support positive relationships between siblings.

Sibling Relationships

Episode 26

What does peaceful parenting mean

Commit to not doing harm
There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
Calm ourselves down first
Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay

Example Situation: A child hits his brother

First tend to child that got hurt
Assess what has caused the child to be angry
Need to calm child down before anything productive can happen
Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about why hitting is never okay
Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and better ways to handle situation
Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done

Preventive Maintenance

According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
Parents love is a scarce resource to child
If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
Concentrate on fully accepting each child
Spend one-on-one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
- Let child dictate the play and follow their lead

Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
- Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team trying to get away
Add play – ex.Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone

Sharing

#1 reason for fights
May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
Teach them how good it feels to share
We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
Forcing to share can make them resentful
Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
- Often not enough time for child to enjoy toy
- Playing deeply is what really matters and where real creativity comes from
- Teaches that pleading more gets them the toy faster

One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
Parents should explain policy ahead of time
Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger child rule can be until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
Sibling will feel delight giving the item
Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
Learn "I can distract myself to manage my own emotions"
Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn

When should we jump in?

Parents jumping in can cause more fighting
Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
Parents should intervene in a different way
Teach to express selves without attacking
Find win-win solutions
Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way

Additional Resources

Show and Tell

All starts with you
Be emotionally generous to yourself
Speak kindly to yourself
When you fail, forgive yourself
Love yourself What does peaceful parenting mean
Commit to not doing harm
There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
Calm ourselves down first
Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
Example Situation: A child hits his brother
First tend to child that got hurt
Assess what has caused the child to be angry
Calm child down before anything productive can happen
Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about hitting is never okay
Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and other ways to handle situation
Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
Preventive Maintenance
According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
Parents love is a scarce resource to child
If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
Concentrate on fully accepting each child
Spend one on one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
- Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
- Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team try to get away
Add play – ex. Taunting – Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
Sharing
#1 reason fight
May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
Teach them how good it feels to share
We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
Forcing to share can make them resentful
Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
- Often not enough time to enjoy toy
- Playing deeply is what really matters and real creativity comes from
- Teaches that pleading more gets them toy faster
One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
Parents should explain policy ahead of time
Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger kid until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
Sibling will feel delight giving the item
Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
I can distract myself to manage my own emotions
Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
When should we jump in?
parents jump in can cause more fighting
Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
Parents should intervene in a different way
Teach to express selves without attacking
Find win-win solutions
Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
Additional Resources
Aha Parenting
Newsletter

Show and Tell

All starts with you
Be emotionally generous to yourself
Speak kindly to yourself
When you fail, forgive yourself
Love yourself