Episode 13 - RETHINKING DISCIPLINE

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of the New York Times bestsellers, No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brained Child, joins us to discusses the importance of approaching discipline from a teaching and learning perspective.

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RETHINKING DISCIPLINE

Episode 13

Introduction: During the preschool years, children start to become more independent, and seek increasing control over their environment. This is an age when they will test boundaries and often break more rules. As parents, this is a critical time for teaching children how to recognize and regulate their emotions, for setting clear expectations and limits, and for giving children the tools to resolve conflicts in the future. The discipline strategies we choose to use will shape not only the preschool years, but will have effects far beyond early childhood. 

Guest Profile - Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is the co-author (with Dr. Dan Siegel) of the New York Times bestsellers, No-Drama Discipline and The Whole-Brained Child. Tina also currently serves as a psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Center for Executive Connection in Pasadena, California. Dr. Bryson provides parent consultations and also provides therapy to children and adolescents. She is currently working on a new book with Dr. Siegel, Yes Brain (January 2018).

DEFINING DISCIPLINE

• People usually definite it to mean punishment
• The original meaning of discipline is to teach
• We want to build skills in children
• Goal is for children to be self- disciplined
• Discipline methods often are counterproductive in the long run and our ultimate goals

3 STEPS TO USE WHEN DISCIPLINING 1. Step One - Causes – What is this behavior about?

• behavior has a purpose
• there is a reason children are acting the way they are
• ex. Could be hungry or anxious about something

2.Step Two - What lesson does the children need?

• What skills do they need help with?
• What do I need to teach?

3. Step 3 - How can I best teach those skills?

• Ex. Six year old child hits his brother. Child needs to learn better strategies to handle frustration and anger. He needs to identify his feelings and learn how to handle those feelings before acting out.

TIME OUTS AND TIME INS

• Can be helpful for parent to take a little time responding to a behavior
• A calming corner can be helpful for kids who are better at regulating on their own
• Time outs also can be used to allow time to comfort another child who was hurt
• Using time out in a punitive or reactive way does not teach skills
• When kids are especially distressed they need help, rather than being abandoned
• An alternative is time-in where a parent is there with a child and reflecting with child
• Use connect and redirect 

REACTIVE VS. RECEPTIVE STATES

• Only way we can learn is when we are in a receptive state
• It is best to discuss issues with children when they are in a receptive state to learn
• Soothing and connecting with empathy can help bring them to receptive state
• The child’s behavior does have to be addressed, but we have to calm their brain down first

REINFORCEMENT

• Attention is a natural need of children
• Children do not like being punished and usually do well when they can
• It is stressful for them when parents are mad or disappointed in them
• If they get attention in positive ways, they will not need it in negative ways as much
• Reinforce when they are having a particularly hard time, you will be there to support them
• After that connection, then give the child the message that you need them to hear about their behavior
• Discuss ways they can make things right
• Use reinforcement in the moment the child is most receptive
• Often when we only use punitive measures, the child will only focus on the punishment instead of their behavior and will not learn the strategies on how to prevent the behavior in the future

SIGNS OF MOVING TO A RECEPTIVE STATE

• Physiological signs
• Red zone – heart beating fast, skin can turn red, can be hot, eyes get big and muscles get tense
• Green zone – this is where we want our children to be
  • Breathing calm and regular
  • Heart has typical rhythm
  • Muscles relaxed
  • Can make eye contact
• There are times in the red zone when there is nothing we can do and we have to wait it out
• Should not take more than 20 minutes to become more receptive
• Do not force a child to connect if they do not want to

PREVENTING CHILDREN FROM REACHING THE RED ZONE

• Teach children about red and green zone
• Use hand model showing them upstairs and downstairs brain.
• Help them identify feelings in their body when they are approaching red zone. Ex. Do you need a break?
•  Play, movement and laughter can help keep children away from red zone
• When you see child starting to become disregulated, can sometimes help turn down the dial and bring them to a calmer state by doing things such as reading a book, watching a funny video, giving them a hug
•  Moving our bodies is one of the best ways to stay regulated
  • ex. Could have a dance party
  • Ask a child to act out an animal
  • Play keep it up with a balloon
• Playfulness can be very helpful

INCREASING COOPERATION

• Can use 3 step proess to gain cooperation. Ex. Scenario: Child does not want to get out of the bath
• 1) Acknowledge and Empathize – ex. You really do want to acknowledge and empathasize with what they are feeling
• 2) Set Boundary – ex. It is time to get out of the bath and I am not changing my mind. I can either gently take you out of the bath, or you can come out by yourself
• 3) Let them know you are here with them. – ex. If you need to cry or scream I will be right here.
• We can connect and provide empathy, while setting and reinforcing our boundaries and limits

RECOVERING FROM PARENTING MISTAKES

• It is good for children to see we make mistakes too
• Important to acknowledge your mistake to the child. Ex. I did not handle myself well. I am sorry
• It is okay to let your child know that you changed your mind. The change should be your choice and not because you are giving into the child
• Maintaining consistency is important, but we do not have to be rigid

DR. TINA BRYSON'S SHOW AND TELL

• Most important thing we can do is connect and sooth children in worst moments
• Parents need to think about their own self care in order to be able to be at their best.
• Making sure we have enough sleep and support is essential
• Book Recommendation - It's a Boy by Dr. Michael Thompson

ADDITIONAL LINKSTina Payne Bryson's Website

No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm The Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

​The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
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