Sibling Relationships
Episode 26
What does peaceful parenting mean
Example Situation: A child hits his brother
Preventive Maintenance
Sharing
When should we jump in?
Additional Resources
Show and Tell
Show and Tell
- Commit to not doing harm
- There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
- Calm ourselves down first
- Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
- Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
Example Situation: A child hits his brother
- First tend to child that got hurt
- Assess what has caused the child to be angry
- Need to calm child down before anything productive can happen
- Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
- Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
- Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
- More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
- Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about why hitting is never okay
- Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and better ways to handle situation
- Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
- Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
Preventive Maintenance
- According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
- Parents love is a scarce resource to child
- If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
- Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
- Concentrate on fully accepting each child
- Spend one-on-one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
- Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
- Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
- Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team trying to get away
- Add play – ex.Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
Sharing
- #1 reason for fights
- May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
- Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
- Teach them how good it feels to share
- We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
- Forcing to share can make them resentful
- Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
- Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
- Often not enough time for child to enjoy toy
- Playing deeply is what really matters and where real creativity comes from
- Teaches that pleading more gets them the toy faster
- One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
- Parents should explain policy ahead of time
- Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
- Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger child rule can be until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
- Sibling will feel delight giving the item
- Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
- Learn "I can distract myself to manage my own emotions"
- Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
- I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
When should we jump in?
- Parents jumping in can cause more fighting
- Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
- Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
- Parents should intervene in a different way
- Teach to express selves without attacking
- Find win-win solutions
- Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
- Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
Additional Resources
Show and Tell
- All starts with you
- Be emotionally generous to yourself
- Speak kindly to yourself
- When you fail, forgive yourself
- Love yourself What does peaceful parenting mean
- Commit to not doing harm
- There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
- Calm ourselves down first
- Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
- Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
-
Example Situation: A child hits his brother - First tend to child that got hurt
- Assess what has caused the child to be angry
- Calm child down before anything productive can happen
- Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
- Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
- Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
- More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
- Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about hitting is never okay
- Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and other ways to handle situation
- Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
- Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
-
Preventive Maintenance - According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
- Parents love is a scarce resource to child
- If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
- Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
- Concentrate on fully accepting each child
- Spend one on one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
- Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
- Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
- Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team try to get away
- Add play – ex. Taunting – Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
-
Sharing - #1 reason fight
- May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
- Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
- Teach them how good it feels to share
- We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
- Forcing to share can make them resentful
- Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
- Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
- Often not enough time to enjoy toy
- Playing deeply is what really matters and real creativity comes from
- Teaches that pleading more gets them toy faster
- One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
- Parents should explain policy ahead of time
- Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
- Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger kid until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
- Sibling will feel delight giving the item
- Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
- I can distract myself to manage my own emotions
- Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
- I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
-
When should we jump in? - parents jump in can cause more fighting
- Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
- Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
- Parents should intervene in a different way
- Teach to express selves without attacking
- Find win-win solutions
- Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
- Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
-
Additional Resources - Aha Parenting
- Newsletter
Show and Tell
- All starts with you
- Be emotionally generous to yourself
- Speak kindly to yourself
- When you fail, forgive yourself
- Love yourself
