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Episode 26 - Sibling RELATIONSHIPS

Dr. Laura Markham, author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings" discusses ways parents can help support positive relationships between siblings.
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Sibling Relationships

Episode 26
What does peaceful parenting mean
  • Commit to not doing harm
  • There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
  • Calm ourselves down first
  • Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
  • Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
 
Example Situation: A child hits his brother
  • First tend to child that got hurt
  • Assess what has caused the child to be angry
  • Need to calm child down before anything productive can happen
  • Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
  • Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
  • Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
  • More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
  • Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about why hitting is never okay
  • Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and better ways to handle situation
  • Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
  • Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
 
Preventive Maintenance
  • According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
  • Parents love is a scarce resource to child
  • If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
  • Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
  • Concentrate on fully accepting each child
  • Spend one-on-one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
    • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
  • Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
    • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team trying to get away
  • Add play – ex.Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
 
Sharing
  • #1 reason for fights
  • May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
  • Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
  • Teach them how good it feels to share
  • We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
  • Forcing to share can make them resentful
  • Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
  • Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
    • Often not enough time for child to enjoy toy
    • Playing deeply is what really matters and where real creativity comes from
    • Teaches that pleading more gets them the toy faster
  • One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
  • Parents should explain policy ahead of time
  • Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
  • Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger child rule can be until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
  • Sibling will feel delight giving the item
  • Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
  • Learn "I can distract myself to manage my own emotions"
  • Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
  • I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
 
When should we jump in?
  • Parents jumping in can cause more fighting
  • Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
  • Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
  • Parents should intervene in a different way
  • Teach to express selves without attacking
  • Find win-win solutions
  • Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
  • Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
 
Additional Resources
  • Aha Parenting
  • Newsletter
  • Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
  • Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids




 
Show and Tell
  • All starts with you
  • Be emotionally generous to yourself
  • Speak kindly to yourself
  • When you fail, forgive yourself
  • Love yourself  What does peaceful parenting mean
  • Commit to not doing harm
  • There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
  • Calm ourselves down first
  • Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
  • Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
  •  
    Example Situation: A child hits his brother
  • First tend to child that got hurt
  • Assess what has caused the child to be angry
  • Calm child down before anything productive can happen
  • Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
  • Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
  • Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
  • More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
  • Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about hitting is never okay
  • Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and other ways to handle situation
  • Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
  • Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
  •  
    Preventive Maintenance
  • According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
  • Parents love is a scarce resource to child
  • If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
  • Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
  • Concentrate on fully accepting each child
  • Spend one on one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
    • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
  • Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
    • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team try to get away
  • Add play – ex. Taunting – Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
  •  
    Sharing
  • #1 reason fight
  • May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
  • Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
  • Teach them how good it feels to share
  • We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
  • Forcing to share can make them resentful
  • Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
  • Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
    • Often not enough time to enjoy toy
    • Playing deeply is what really matters and real creativity comes from
    • Teaches that pleading more gets them toy faster
  • One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
  • Parents should explain policy ahead of time
  • Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
  • Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger kid until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
  • Sibling will feel delight giving the item
  • Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
  • I can distract myself to manage my own emotions
  • Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
  • I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
  •  
    When should we jump in?
  • parents jump in can cause more fighting
  • Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
  • Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
  • Parents should intervene in a different way
  • Teach to express selves without attacking
  • Find win-win solutions
  • Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
  • Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
  •  
    Additional Resources
  • Aha Parenting
  • Newsletter
 

     Show and Tell
  • All starts with you
  • Be emotionally generous to yourself
  • Speak kindly to yourself
  • When you fail, forgive yourself
  • Love yourself 

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About
At a Glance
Discovery Story
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Contact Us
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Testimonials


​Blog


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Schedule a Tour
​Tuition
Programs
Young Preschool
Preschool
Pre-K
Kindergarten/TK
​Summer Camps


Podcast



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  • Admissions
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