Episode 26 - Sibling RELATIONSHIPS

Dr. Laura Markham, author of "Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings" discusses ways parents can help support positive relationships between siblings.

SHARE

Sibling Relationships

Episode 26

What does peaceful parenting mean

• Commit to not doing harm
• There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
• Calm ourselves down first
• Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
• Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay

 
Example Situation: A child hits his brother

• First tend to child that got hurt
• Assess what has caused the child to be angry
• Need to calm child down before anything productive can happen
• Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
• Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
• Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
• More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
• Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about why hitting is never okay
• Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and better ways to handle situation
• Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
• Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done

 
Preventive Maintenance

• According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
• Parents love is a scarce resource to child
• If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
• Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
• Concentrate on fully accepting each child
• Spend one-on-one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
  • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead

• Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
  • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team trying to get away
• Add play – ex.Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone

 
Sharing

• #1 reason for fights
• May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
• Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
• Teach them how good it feels to share
• We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
• Forcing to share can make them resentful
• Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
• Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
  • Often not enough time for child to enjoy toy
  • Playing deeply is what really matters and where real creativity comes from
  • Teaches that pleading more gets them the toy faster

• One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
• Parents should explain policy ahead of time
• Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
• Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger child rule can be until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
• Sibling will feel delight giving the item
• Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
• Learn "I can distract myself to manage my own emotions"
• Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
• I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn

 
When should we jump in?

• Parents jumping in can cause more fighting
• Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
• Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
• Parents should intervene in a different way
• Teach to express selves without attacking
• Find win-win solutions
• Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
• Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way

 
Additional Resources

• Aha Parenting
• Newsletter
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
• Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids

 
Show and Tell

• All starts with you
• Be emotionally generous to yourself
• Speak kindly to yourself
• When you fail, forgive yourself
• Love yourself  What does peaceful parenting mean
• Commit to not doing harm
• There will always be conflict and drama with children, but parents goal is to not add to the drama
• Calm ourselves down first
• Practice technique in less stressful situations and you will be more likely to have success when big things happen
• Remind yourself it is not an emergency and it will be okay
•  
  Example Situation: A child hits his brother
• First tend to child that got hurt
• Assess what has caused the child to be angry
• Calm child down before anything productive can happen
• Could involve child who hit in the repair ex. Can get the icepack for brother
• Should not force apologies, rather focus on repairing the relationship
• Research has shown that when one person has been forced into a relationship it does not help the relationship, and in fact often hurts it
• More meaningful when child sees how they has hurt the other person
• Can validate feelings of the child who hit (ex. It is hard to always have to share with your brother) but then talk about hitting is never okay
• Talk about what child could say to his brother next time when he is upset and other ways to handle situation
• Discuss ways they can repair the relationship with his brother ex. What could you do to get your brother to trust you again?
• Child should want to repair the relationship and see that they can heal the damage that they have done
•  
  Preventive Maintenance
• According to research most important thing is to have good relationship with each child
• Parents love is a scarce resource to child
• If parent is always criticizing a child and is always reprimanding, that child will have worst relationship with siblings
• Better parent relationships with each child, better sibling relationships
• Concentrate on fully accepting each child
• Spend one on one time with each child every day that is unstructured, play Legos, dolls, shoot hoops, dig in sandbox
  • Let child dictate the play and follow their lead
• Roughhousing – getting kids to laugh releases oxytocin and changes body chemistry. It reduces stress hormones in the body and child is more at ease and happy.
  • Can roughhouse with multiple children at once. Ex. You can be the scary monster chasing after the children and they are a team try to get away
• Add play – ex. Taunting – Put yourself into situation….”How come I am always the last one in the door.” It can help lighten the tone
•  
  Sharing
• #1 reason fight
• May not just be about object fighting about, can also be about parents love
• Want to encourage children to want to be generous rather than forcing to share
• Teach them how good it feels to share
• We are communal species and wired to feel good to give something to somebody
• Forcing to share can make them resentful
• Also problematic to just give it to child who has item first
• Parents often use things like ten minute timers for turns, but that can be problematic too
  • Often not enough time to enjoy toy
  • Playing deeply is what really matters and real creativity comes from
  • Teaches that pleading more gets them toy faster
• One child often feels like winner and other loser which creates more tension between siblings
• Parents should explain policy ahead of time
• Can ask child when they will be ready to give it to sibling
• Older kids rule can be one child gets whole day, younger kid until next event ex. After lunch you will get it
• Sibling will feel delight giving the item
• Will learn it is okay to cry, but does not mean I will always get my way
• I can distract myself to manage my own emotions
• Everyone has to wait their turn, but so does my sibling and I like the giving and receiving
• I can enjoy my toy and nobody will take it when it is my turn
•  
  When should we jump in?
• parents jump in can cause more fighting
• Found less powerful child was not standing up for self
• Not intervening can be allowing one child to bully another
• Parents should intervene in a different way
• Teach to express selves without attacking
• Find win-win solutions
• Help children learn skills to you do not have to jump in as much later
• Even 3 year olds want to work things out in a positive way
•  
  Additional Resources
• Aha Parenting
• Newsletter

 

     Show and Tell

• All starts with you
• Be emotionally generous to yourself
• Speak kindly to yourself
• When you fail, forgive yourself
• Love yourself 

---